Zaryos
Newcomer
Tag: @jazuken
Posts: 10
|
Post by Zaryos on May 11, 2016 13:28:01 GMT
Name: Zaryos Alias: Species: Saiyan Gender: Male Age: 14 Appearance:Dark Black Hair, Spiked upwards and a little out of the behind. Calm look on his face, and is light skinned. Wears jumpsuits, mostly black colored ones. Wears black shoes also. Black Linings around eyes. 5'2"
History:
Born in the Upper Outer Rim of Cacumber Capital of Planet Vegeta, he would be born to a Higher Low Class saiyan family. He would spend his life in an incubator until he was 3. To avoid the SSE he would be laced in a Reinforced Chamber under his house like his siblings were, and remained safe until they would reach the appropriate age to come out.
He would have pure saiyan blood, causing him to love combat. He would usually fight with his brothers, and on some occasions his sisters. They would also have another Reinforced Chamber under their house where they could privately train without anyone realizing it. He would love to train and test his strength in combat with his brothers, and would become the strongest one out of them.
His parents would take note of this, and would train him themselves. At some point one of his brothers would become strong enough to train with them. At some point when he turned 8, his parents taught him how to fly. It wasn't hard to learn but it was difficult enough to take him a while to. His parents noticed he also needed a bit more speed, and when he was 9 they would teach him the Afterimage technique.
When he was 10, he would go outside freely for the first time, and after a few months his brother turned 10 and was allowed to come with him. They'd avoid trouble mostly and avoided the SSE, and they'd hide whenever a SSE Checker showed up so they wouldn't be discovered. Until the age of 14, his life would be natural. He would usually go outside for a walk, and/or train and battle with his siblings and sometimes his parents. When he was 14, he would become mostly independent ready to move out.
(Thats a rap I guess? Going with the regular saiyan emotions.) Starting Planet: Planet Vegeta Techniques: N/A Offensive Brawl [N1]: I empower one of my physical attacks with 33% of my power per turn charging. SupportAfterimage [SU1]: Through a sudden burst of speed you leave behind a static image of yourself to distract your opponent, this technique allows you to completely dodge techniques beneath 100% of your PL. This technique uses 1 KP in KP Battles and cannot be charged. UtilityFlight [UT]: You have a method of taking to the sky allowing you to take your fights to even greater heights! SpecialItems: N/A
|
|
|
Post by Pieter Wolfbane on May 23, 2016 19:38:40 GMT
Super tall 14 year old... Anyway, hello there! Today, I shall be assisting your character profile! Here's the list of things I want you to cover: 1) Power Weighted: Understand, you won't be able to use this unless you gain a transformation. Also, needs Usage Description (which I'll copy paste here for you so you can copy!)- By some means, usually via a significant increase in muscle mass, you increase your offensive power at the cost of your defenses, this results in an increase of your offensive pl by +x1 and a decrease of your defensive PL by -x3. You must have a transformation that provides at least +x3 defensive PL to use this technique. Using Power Weighted costs 0 KP in a KP Battle. 2) You've got 1 more technique slot available to use. Think about what you'd like to gain! (here's a pre-approved tech list) 3) Brawl (N1) needs to state you empower one of your physical attacks with 33% of your power per turn charging. 4) History: This is the part you'll want to focus on. Vegeta is, by definition, a terrible planet to live on. A lot of the planet is a death zone for most people, aside from the fact it has x10 Earth's gravity. The outskirts, themselves, are full of wild and, in many cases, cannibalistic saiyan tribes. You've written this character as though he were actually born and living in the city, to be identified as such. You will need to revise this history, to figure out what you want to do. Why and how would this brat of a saiyan be introduced to the society of the SSE? Another issue that is inaccurate is the notion that the children gain power when they're in the incubators... This is not correct. The incubators are only used to gauge a saiyan's strength, as they themselves are giant scouters, so to speak. When their power is gauged, that's when they are either a) taken by the parents to train under them directly, if they're elite in power level, or b) sent to another planet to either clear the inhabitants on the day of its full moon or to die. You've to think the culture like the Spartan culture. If they're born outside the city, they're treated like animals and are hunted as such. Look at this for the ways of the SSE if you need any additional information. It'll help you out TONS.
|
|
Zaryos
Newcomer
Tag: @jazuken
Posts: 10
|
Post by Zaryos on May 23, 2016 22:58:07 GMT
Fixed it.
|
|
|
Post by Pieter Wolfbane on May 24, 2016 0:52:08 GMT
1) Saiyan mindsets generally aren't like that, so I'll be needing an explanation on how this particular saiyan came to be a more emotional being! With the element introduced, elaborate on it! Did something happen when he was in the incubator?
2) Since the Saiyans still follow that Spartan-like culture, I'm looking to have you explain how it he was able to be absolved from being sent off world for the low power level! I see that you've mentioned that your character's parents own a place, so perhaps you could explain the matter of how they'd save their child from having to be sent offworld! Perhaps the birth was something that happened elsewhere, hidden in the Empire's shadows? In which case, elaborate on this matter! Because they're described as known exhibitionists, perhaps you can follow on this point of him being a hard working saiyan to get to the point where he is at!
3) With the previous bases soon to be covered in your edits, I'd like you to include where and what he'd be doing! Any elements that you'd introduce, I'd like you to elaborate on! I'll have to ask you to forgive the amount of work I'm asking you to do, but I'm a stickler for this stuff.
When you get to this, post it up, and don't be afraid to ask any questions of me! I'll await your reply, hah hah!
|
|
Zaryos
Newcomer
Tag: @jazuken
Posts: 10
|
Post by Zaryos on May 24, 2016 1:56:00 GMT
Should be good! Revised the history again >_>
|
|
|
Post by Pieter Wolfbane on May 24, 2016 2:08:04 GMT
1) Outer rim of the capital is more acceptable than the middle of the city. Middle of the city is the royal palace. Anyone born closer to the center of the city would probably more inclined to have higher class. To make things easier on yourself, just state the character was born above the lower class saiyans.
2) You're not specifying what made the incubator different. Record the events of the character's life to the present, rather than focusing on the incubator so much. Otherwise, we're going to be having a long drawn out set of responses.
3) Remember, you're a 14 year old character that's taller than most of the same age! Look to adding the character's probable education and life style. Who was the teacher? What did they teach him? Where do they go? As an exhibitionist family member, I'd try to go delve deeper into the family business and figure out what makes this character notable, compared to the other family members!
Take your time in your edits and think this out. Remember, you are writing the structure of a character. You've got the bones! Now you need to add in the nerves and muscles of this saiyan, to make this character more tangible! Reply when you are done!
|
|
Zaryos
Newcomer
Tag: @jazuken
Posts: 10
|
Post by Zaryos on May 24, 2016 2:47:44 GMT
Maybe fixed?
|
|
|
Post by Pieter Wolfbane on May 24, 2016 3:47:18 GMT
I'm afraid not. When I'm mentioning events, I'm saying things that have impacted the character's life that are important to mention and explaining why they're important. Elements in the story should be eventa important to why the character is how they are. Make sense? Try to elaborate on these thoughts.
|
|
Zaryos
Newcomer
Tag: @jazuken
Posts: 10
|
Post by Zaryos on May 24, 2016 13:23:38 GMT
How 'bout now?
|
|
|
Post by Pieter Wolfbane on May 25, 2016 10:09:23 GMT
This isn't striking me as character history. Also, why's it now important to note character appearance in your history? Write out events that happened in this character's life.
1) Either take out the incubator, or explain why it is important to bring up this information. It seems to me, at this point, you want to roleplay a half saiyan, half human or a half human-like alien, since it's striking me as important that this character's emotions are going to be heightened.
2) How was he caught? What were the consequences of being caught? This is a new element that needs explaining, Zaryos.
It's seeming like, to me, you need to go into an explanation of the family's history, since they seem to have these things available to them, so we have some solid context to work with so I can understand where you're going with this. Cover that and we'll see what happens!
|
|
Zaryos
Newcomer
Tag: @jazuken
Posts: 10
|
Post by Zaryos on May 25, 2016 13:02:57 GMT
Bump, fixed. Just going to be a natural saiyan.
|
|