Nicolas Mclendon
Moderator
The Hero of the Cosmos: CAPTAIN NOVA!
PL: 145,482
Intense Struggle (x3); X-Factor (x6); Amazing Captain Nova (x16)
Zeni: 2336
Tag: @nicolas
OOC Name: Nicolas
Posts: 1,010
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Clove
Jun 10, 2016 17:51:42 GMT
Post by Nicolas Mclendon on Jun 10, 2016 17:51:42 GMT
-Format is messed up, please try to fix it.
- History is a little bare and lacking detail in certain aspects. His parent's death and abduction is brushed over quickly when that should be an important moment in Clove's life for example. Same thing with his adoptive parent's suddenly dying.
-The history is lacking severely in character, it's supposed to give us an idea of who Clove is and what makes him tick.
-General proofreading is advised to make it readable.
-Demon special is tagged as a [SP]
-Demons start with 4 techs plus their demon special.
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Mochi
Archived
Zeni Transferred to Gekido
PL: 1,750
Intense Struggle (x3)
Zeni: 0
Tag: @victor1115
OOC Name: Shamankingaursu
Posts: 35
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Clove
Jun 18, 2016 20:16:38 GMT
Post by Mochi on Jun 18, 2016 20:16:38 GMT
Name: Clove Alias: None Species: Demon Gender: Male Age:51 (Demon Years:17) Apperance: History: Clove was born to two demons in hell, Both his father and mother soldiers for a Demon warlord who had made plans to attack Earth, by opening a gate way to send in his army of demons. Clove, didn't know too much about his birthplace, by the time he was 5 his parents and him were sent thorough the portal, as it was finally linked to earth. The Demon warlord did not care if he had to throw young children, into his army, in his mind even a young demon could at least kill a couple of humans. The Invasion was a Disaster, From a Combination of the Underestimations of the human forces and the Quick reaction of the human forces to close the portal before the full force of demon could get through, 95 percent of the invading force, including the demon warlord, were killed or captured as they scattered. Clove, being at the back of the armies and of course a child, was able to hide in a nearby wooden area while the forces chased after the majority of the other fleeing demons. As a child of course he could not survive on his own. He hide in his hiding spot for a whole day before he was finally found by a small pack of demons who manged to repel the human who chased after them, as they returned to the portal in an attempt to escape. The portal was complety destroyed, the pack of demons wandering trying to find an isolated region Clove stayed with them, as he could not survive on his own. The Pack of 50 slowly shrank over the next 10 years, from attacks, or some demons just left trying to cause more chaos for the fun of it. The demons only keep him around because Clove, was a quick learner, become an effective fighter and they needed as many demons that could fight as possible, they were Soon he was alone as he made the choose, he was gonna try and integrate into human society. The life in the wildness, alone with no contact, he refused to live such a life. Clove ventured into a human city, hopping he would be able to enter, and he was able to enter the city. He began going to schools, getting himself an education while working himself a job in order to have a place to live. He worked hard trying to interrgrate himself into society, Starting Planet: Earth Techquines: Offensive: (SP): Embrace of Death- The user focuses there ki before raising two fingers before causing a massive eruption of ki. (N1): Darkness Shroud- An Black colored orb formed around absorbing damage in 33 percent intervals Supportive: Utility: (Ut): Telekinesis: The user can lift objects with there mind for a short period of time
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Nicolas Mclendon
Moderator
The Hero of the Cosmos: CAPTAIN NOVA!
PL: 145,482
Intense Struggle (x3); X-Factor (x6); Amazing Captain Nova (x16)
Zeni: 2336
Tag: @nicolas
OOC Name: Nicolas
Posts: 1,010
|
Clove
Jun 18, 2016 22:28:51 GMT
Post by Nicolas Mclendon on Jun 18, 2016 22:28:51 GMT
-Might wanna look again at those sentences, the english seems kinda wonky. Also IIRC the Makyo Star is something that just sort of appears and disappears in a cycle sort of like the cycle of the moon, that's how it exists mechanically anyway. Why not just make his parents from the Demon Realm?
-Gonna need some explanation here: demons are a very chaotic and destructive race of monster like beings from a realm separate from our own. While it's okay for demons with a kind heart to exist please know that this is an extreme rarity and as I said, something that needs expansion and explanation. What makes Clove's parent's so different? Why would they be desperate to leave their own people?
What about bounty hunters? No seriously, there's no explanation so this line comes left field.
What is this despite in regards to? This is just an unfinished statement.
Does this love of nature translate into anything or was that just a throw away line? How has he fought his dark/demonic urges or is he just a demon in appearance only? If they were avoiding being hunted why did they feel confident to send their son they were so desperate to protect away to school. How would they know what school is if they lived so far north that only nomadic tribes interacted with them. Why did he wait till he was 9 to get an education, that seems to put him a bit behind doesn't it?
This bounty hunter has chased them for 15+ years? What?
Damn, the bounty hunter took all 4 parents?
And now he finally does something vaguely demonic.
How does he instantly know of this extremely dedicated bounty hunter if the chase began when he was a baby?
-N1 techs do damage at 33% intervals.
-You need to seriously check your spelling and grammar.
His history doesn't really make much logical sense and doesn't really fit well with the established demon lore. You should look it over once more.
Also deleting posts and things is a no-no. Don't do it again.
Once you finish adjusting your profile please alert me by tagging me and I'll be happy to give your app another look see.
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Mochi
Archived
Zeni Transferred to Gekido
PL: 1,750
Intense Struggle (x3)
Zeni: 0
Tag: @victor1115
OOC Name: Shamankingaursu
Posts: 35
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Clove
Jun 23, 2016 5:49:19 GMT
Post by Mochi on Jun 23, 2016 5:49:19 GMT
Gonna scrap this if that is ok, just cannot find anything that fits with my idea for him.
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Mochi
Archived
Zeni Transferred to Gekido
PL: 1,750
Intense Struggle (x3)
Zeni: 0
Tag: @victor1115
OOC Name: Shamankingaursu
Posts: 35
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Clove
Jun 24, 2016 6:06:16 GMT
Post by Mochi on Jun 24, 2016 6:06:16 GMT
Gonna confirm that i am going to archive clove
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