Pare
Newcomer
Tag: @pare
Posts: 3
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Post by Pare on Jul 19, 2015 10:40:47 GMT
Name: Pare (Based off Quince)
Alias: Pear, Quince’s brother, Owner of the floor.
Species: Senbyo/Neko Majin Hybrid. Mechanically Human.
Gender: cat Male.
Age: Half a year old.
Appearance: Pare is looks pretty much like his big brother Quince, blue hair all around his body, 70% fluffy, 42% Adorable. Permanent orange paint smeared all over his fur, except his back, he can’t reach his back. He also has a portion of the power pole instead of the staff. When he uses his intense struggle his fur become gold and it pikes up. Instead of being called intense struggle it is called ‘Super Neko-Majin’.
History: Well there isn’t very much to talk about with Pare’s history. Since he isn’t even a year old I think you would already now that. Anyway. The almighty cat god (Korin) and the unknown cat (Pare and Quince’s Mother) made Quince and Pare. However, when Pare was born he fell down a tiny little hole and ended up underneath the floor. For about ten days he just rolled around as an adorable little kitten. You may wonder why Pare has so much fur, the reason is pretty simple. The first time Pare had ever used Ki was when he was rolling around and behind him was a trail of hair. The hair fell, it would never happen again, that was what was going through his head when he saw this. So after that he used his Ki to keep the fur stuck to his body. He lived underneath the floor peacefully just eating any old mice that walked around in there, it was a pretty good life.
Pare had been stalking Quince ever since he was born, he did this by following his footsteps around whenever he heard them. So one day he heard THE Quince above the floor walking around. Pare poked a little hole with his claw through the floor and used it as a peaky hole to find Quince. He then found out that a peaky hole was completely useless as he didn’t know how to open his eyes. He hit something which felt like a thing with his claw. He chopped a tiny bit off as it fell into his hands. He thought in his mind as he looked at the direction of the tiny piece of brown stuff. GORWS BUGGER! As he thought this the tiny bit of brown stuff grew more and more and more before being a complete stick.
Unfortunately the stick grew too much and it made one of the tiles of the floor go up and up before smashing into the roof. He just left the stick there because it was holding his escape route for the moment. Why does he have an escape route you ask? Well how else are you going to escape if you don’t have a route to escape? As he was rushing around he tripped over and fell on top of a weird jug. The contents of the jug went all over the front of his body. He looked down and smiled at his new awesome paint job. What he didn’t know was that this is what the label said: This is permanent orange paint. Good luck removing it. Pare smiled as he ran out of the opening and rolled into one of the houses. He had so far avoided detection from Quince somehow but he then found a yellow cloud with a label saying: Spare. Please don’t take.
Pare couldn’t read so he just grabbed the cloud and made it his. To this very day he has learnt the amazing was of meowing and very low speech abilities. He can also scratch things with his mind.
Starting Planet: Earth
Techniques:
Offensive
Physical attack [N1] This attack uses Pare’s mind to send bites, scratches or any other attack that the little fluffy cat choses. The attack is essentially a scratch that goes flying forwards towards his opponent. If he uses a scratch, three lines will travel towards the opponent. This attack uses 33% of Pare’s Power.
Support
The Flying Nimbus/Flight [SU1] Pare can make then flying nimbus appear out of nowhere to make Pare go wherever he wants. One other person can hop on. (It is also a dark nimbus.) He is able to fly without it but nimbuses are cool.
After-image: [SU1] His Brother’s Father invented this technique, it's only fair his father’s son uses it. He moves so fast that an image of him is left behind.
Special
Items: 1000 Zenni
Power Pole
Flying Nimbus
One-Use Pod
7,601 Pl transferred from Sha-ung to Pare Please.
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Nicolas Mclendon
Moderator
The Hero of the Cosmos: CAPTAIN NOVA!
PL: 145,482
Intense Struggle (x3); X-Factor (x6); Amazing Captain Nova (x16)
Zeni: 2336
Tag: @nicolas
OOC Name: Nicolas
Posts: 1,010
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Post by Nicolas Mclendon on Jul 23, 2015 10:01:04 GMT
Howdy Pare just a few things you need to go over before you're accepted!
1. Species: Just posting "Cat Zoanthrope" will suffice, as it is now it's just messy. Using 'Neko Majin' and 'Half Afterlife Cat' is just confusing since they aren't playable races and since Pare is mechanically Zoanthrope they serve no purpose.
2.Appearance: Please describe your character's appearance a bit more fully. Saying they look just like Quince is unacceptable, we shouldn't have to look up Quince's profile in order to understand what your character looks like. While the paint idea seems silly I assume there's a point to it so I won't touch on that (Though please remove the emote it makes it look as if this profile is a joke) I'm not comfortable with your character having a piece of a lore object in their staff. If you want a magic staff I'm sure that will be fine but I'm not comfortable with him having a chunk of Goku's power pole with him. Intense Struggle is not meant to have that much of a physical change to it, Im gonna say no on the mock super saiyan.
3.History: Almighty Cat God? Unknown Cat? Who exactly are you talking about? You begin the history by dropping us into a situation that we're just expected to know and understand.
This just seems confusingly written, I'd take a second look at it.
This is just a random thought that doesn't really tie into anything.
1. How does he know of Quince if he was separated as a baby and he was blind? 2. Why would he even attempt to make a peep hole if he was blind? Did he jast jab into the floorboards and hope for the best? 3. Where did this blindness come from? It's never explained it just says he never knew how to open his eyes as if that's a skill to be taught. Is he sick or something? This just doesn't make any sense. 4. If he was close enough to be able to make a peep hole how did Quince never notice him under the floorboards? Apparently the two were aware of each others existence enough for Pare to try and find Quince in the first place. Did Quince just choose to ignore his brother under the floor boards?
Hold on, how does this cat not learn how to open his eyes but manages to learn how to see with his mind in an instant? This is just silly.
I'm guessing this is the piece of the power pole. As I stated earlier I'm gonna say no on the fact that Pare manages to cut off a piece of the pole. Also how is he cutting holes in the floor in the first place?
If he can cut holes in the ground to make peep holes or chip parts of the power pole off it makes no sense that he would even need an escape route.
Why would he just take some random substance and rub it all over himself? Especially if he cares so much about his fur to the point that he devotes ki to preventing it from falling out. This makes no sense, it's just needlessly silly and serves no purpose. If you wanted a mess orange cat I'm fine with that but that explanation is weak.
How does he know who Quince is? Why was he avoiding his detection? Also, your character can't have the nimbus, a magic cloud is fine but the nimbus is not.
"After he did this he read the label and it read so: This is permanent orange paint. Good luck removing it. "
Can he read or can't he?
The history just ends leaving us with more questions than answers. The reader is given no insight on who this character is and is, instead, given insight in what they can do. This history lacks any character and is hard to follow at best and contradictory at worst. It's also incredibly silly and nonsensical but not in a good way. I strongly urge you to do a serious rewrite and focus on a story that you want to tell not give us an explanation on his abilities.
4. Techniques:
Physic attack: I assume you mean 'Psychic Attack.' Also, how exactly does this ability work? Does he use his mind to create a wave of ki in the form of a scratch or bite? If so it needs to be specified
The Flying Nimbus/Flight: Call it something other than the Flying Nimbus or Dark Nimbus. Though, I don't understand the point of him having a flying cloud if he can fly without it.
After-image: I don't think you can have it so his father invented After image since people have been using it for thousands of years. Just give it it's normal description and It'll be fine.
In the end, this profile needs more than a bit of work. If you fix the problems listed I'm sure either myself or another staff member will be happy to look over it once again!
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Pare
Newcomer
Tag: @pare
Posts: 3
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Post by Pare on Jul 24, 2015 2:52:36 GMT
First please note this is indeed a joke and silly character. Although I will use this character, I will not be serious with him. Just for fun. Pare is just going to buy a bunch of senzus with his brother Quince and give them to people. wodsouls.freeforums.net/thread/1993/quince This is Quince’s profile, a lot of things in this were approved by Bao like the power pole, the nimbus and even the bansho fan. 1. Fixed 2. Done. However Power pole has been allowed by Bao. Also the super Neko majin is a ‘canon’ transformation. (As it was written by Akira Toriyama himself.) 3. I have put in brackets to show you who the two are. 4. Well I have worded it better but I am also confused as you use this as an example later on 5. Removed because apparently random thoughts aren’t allowed. 6a. I have explained now. b. Yes c. They are not really floor boards. As you can see here vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/dragonballupdatesrp/images/6/61/Korintower.png/revision/latest?cb=20120129175529 There is a dome like thing. There is quite some distance and I don’t see how Quince would see Pare just because Pare can poke a small hole. There is quite some distance between Pare and the floor boards. Quince does not know of Pare but Pare knows of Quince. 7. It is meant to be silly, but I will just wait until the technique is approved 8. He needs an escape route because how could he escape without a route to escape? His thoughts, just being realistic. 9. People dye their hair all the time, just because he enjoys not losing his fur, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t decorate it. Anyway I have fixed it to raise the chance of this getting approved. 10. He can’t read. 11. Nimbus basically means Dark Cloud… The cloud is not Goku’s, I never said it was his. The name of the magical cloud you allow me to have is called a nimbus. 12. As I have said this is meant to be a silly character and not make sense. 13. I mean Physical Attack, again, silly character. 14. I am allowed a Nimbus since it has been allowed before, if there is an additional reason to why I am not allowed it, I request to hear it. He uses it because it is awesome and he doesn’t know he can fly. 15. I have given a normal description already, I was just adding something else to give an extra reason. I would like to remind you this is just a joke character meaning that things will not make sense, this is on purpose.
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Post by Zuni on Jul 24, 2015 7:00:19 GMT
Hi Pare.
There's a difference between applying for a character who is silly, and applying for a character who breaks the immersion of the world. In its current state, this character is too much of a strain on the setting.
I'm aware that Bao approved Quince, and Quince existing in his current form is fine as a result. However, we're not comfortable approving more Neko Majins into the setting - they are from a non-canonical side manga. Toriyama has worked on many other projects, but we wouldn't be comfortable approving Dragon Quest or Chrono Trigger characters either.
In general, this character needs to be made to fit the theme and style of the setting - he can be a 'silly' character, but he can't be a nonsensical one. For a good example of a 'silly' character done right, I'd suggest looking at Tania - a character who does not fit the standard Dragon Ball character mould, is clearly humorous, but fits our tone and setting perfectly.
Incidentally, 'I am allowed it because someone else was once allowed it' is not a good line of reasoning. Mistakes have been made in the past, particularly around technique applications, and will probably be made again in the future.
Thanks, and I hope you're able to fix these issues up quickly - Quince having a brother cat could be a lot of fun! We just need to see that it is a joke executed in good taste.
-Zuni.
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Post by Zuni on Jul 27, 2015 16:28:49 GMT
Rightio. As discussed in PM, here is a thorough list of specific things which need to be changed before this character can be approved.
Description - 'The' Power Pole = 'A' Power Pole.
History
Paragraph 1: Please don't address the reader directly. Korin cannot appear in your background as he is a canon character - it can be implied, it cannot be directly stated. The rest of this paragraph needs to be rewritten to make sense because, beyond the fact that Pare spent ten days beneath the floor, I have no idea what it actually means.
Paragraph 2: This needs to be rewritten to make sense. He gouged a hole in the floor without knowing how to open his eyes? Opening your eyes is not something that you need to learn how to do. The means of getting his staff is similarly unclear.
Paragraph 3: How could he see where he was going if he is blind? How can he see his paint job if he is blind? How can he scale a pole if he is blind? Where did the power pole come from? Why was it there? How did Quince not notice this happening?
Paragraph 4: The last two sentences need significant expansion.
General comments - Is he 10 or so days old, or half a year old? At the moment you only seem to be covering (charitably) the first 15 days of life. This is not acceptable. Who is Pare? What is he like? What does he want out of life? What does he think of his brother? Does he even know his brother is his brother? Does he know who his parents are? What does he think of the Earth, humans, and the people running it? Does he know about the rest of the galaxy at large? How did he learn his techniques?
Abilities.
Physical Attack has a confusing name - please change it.
Flying Nimbus/Flight - This is not suitable for one technique. You can either have a flying nimbus OR the ability to fly unaided for one slot, especially given you want to be able to let someone else use the nimbus with you when flight would normally involve people clinging on for dear life.
After-image: Remove the mention of his father. It would also be nice for where this came from to be explained.
Items
Flying Nimbus is a technique, not an item - you could not give this to someone else.
I hope this critique was more helpful.
-Zuni.
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